"For I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content." -Philippians 4:11. When I was about 17, I sort of took this verse as one of my life goals. I had become chronically ill with nobody-knew-what, but whatever it was, I was in total-body pain and physical misery day and night. It lasted about 3 years before the Lord healed me. During that time, some Biblical concepts that I had always heard but never really practiced became very real to me. Things like, "In EVERYthing give thanks, for this is the will of God in Christ concerning you". (1 Thessalonians 5:18) and "the joy of the Lord is your strength" and the one I mentioned above. After years of testing, I thought I pretty much had it down....

but...

every few weeks, I am tested again. It happens in that moment when I realize that there is still no new little Litteral on the way. All these emotions erupt inside of me, and I have a split second of feeling my heart crying out, in a whiney, immature way: "Whyyyyyy, God??" Sometimes it lasts more than a split second, and I have to give myself a good, hard verbal spanking. "Clara, is God Sovereign?? Do you ACTUALLY believe that He is Sovereign? Do you believe that He knows what is best? Do you REALLY believe it?? Then why are you whining??!" Then I have to answer: "YES, YES!! He is completely Sovereign! And yes, He knows what is best!! I know, I know... I have no reason to whine..."

Then I feel ashamed and horribly ungrateful... I have 3 BEAUTIFUL, precious children, who delight us and bless us constantly; wonderful gifts from God!! How dare I complain because He hasn't given me even MORE, at the time when I think He should?

Then a few weeks later.... *bam* the eruption of emotions, "WHYYYYY, God???", the tears and then... the verbal spanking, and the surrender. Again.


A few weeks ago, we were at a get-together with a bunch of the family, and I was talking with Grandpa E., doing the usual catching up. He asked if we were enjoying our 3 girls, and I was telling him that we definitely were. Someone asked: "Where are the boys??" and I had laughed and replied: "Hopefully they're still-to-come!" Then Grandpa smiled, in his wise, kind Grandpa way, and he said: "You know, we would have enjoyed having a boy, but we were sure content with our 5 girls." When he said that, I was struck with conviction. I had never thought about this matter in that light. I thought about it more and more.... God says that children are a blessing, a reward. I just ache to have a whole houseful of them, a whole army to raise for the Lord, a whole quiver full of Godly arrows prepared to do serious damage to the enemy's plans. What I want is a good thing. And I'm not going to stop wanting it. Longing for it. Praying for it. But, in the meantime, I have to find the balance, and still be content with where God has me right now. Still trust that He DOES know what is best! And He knows every desire of my heart, as well as every bit of disappointment and sadness. He also has plans that we know nothing about. Plans that are always for our best, and for His glory. Even at 5, 4 and going-on-3, our girls are learning this lesson. They ask me why God doesn't give us a new baby, they pray and ask Him to please give us one. (actually, they specifically ask Him for 14 children.) They ask me why other families, who have a whole bunch of children, are "more blessed" than us. Anja told me with tears in her eyes, that she loves playing with her baby cousins and friends, but "it's sad because all the babies get to go home with other families and we don't have one". I see how much these 3 girls love babies SO much, and to me it makes perfect sense that God would give us one. But I explain to them that we ARE blessed, in SO many ways!! Then we talk about all the ways that God has blessed us. Then we talk about how God knows best, and we have to trust Him even when it doesn't make sense to us. God is glorified in these conversations, and so even right there, I can see a little bit of how He is working. These are precious and eternally valuable lessons for the girls to be learning so young, and we can't see yet how God is going to use these things in their lives. God's ways are NOT our ways, but God's ways ARE BEST.

One blessed Mama!

I just saw this quote on Facebook, posted by my dear Auntie Kara: "I cried because I had no shoes; then I saw a man who had no feet". How timely. I look at my 3 little girls, and I am overwhelmed by how much God has blessed me. It probably seems completely ridiculous to a lot of people that I would even be struggling with all these things when my youngest child isn't even 3 yet. But by the time my oldest was this age, she had 2 younger siblings already. I LOVE being pregnant, and I've always envisioned myself being Mama to a huge bunch of children... and my time is ticking. If you don't understand my heart on that, then it will just seem silly to you. That's ok, just take away the lessons I've learned about trusting God and His Sovereignty and apply them in your life to whatever your area of struggle is.

When I say "lessons I've learned", don't think that that means I will never have to learn them again. Life goes on, and there will always be those things we don't understand, those things we don't like, and those times when we're tempted to ask God, "why???" But in those times, we have to remember....

One blessed Papa!

Rom 11:33

O the depth of the riches both of the wisdom and knowledge of God! how unsearchable [are] his judgments, and his ways past finding out!

Rom 11:34

For who hath known the mind of the Lord? or who hath been his counsellor?

Rom 11:36

For of him, and through him, and to him, [are] all things: to whom [be] glory for ever. Amen.